Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. As per tradition, you’ve all bought yourself an additional 30 minute head start when I start my shooting spree.
Sorry if you had 29 in the “Dead By” pool. If it makes you you feel any better I had a sawbuck myself on 25 and for what it’s worth I tried my best.
And now, without further ado, here is this years list of shit I’ve learned up to this point. Enjoy…
1) She didn’t get good at blowjobs by osmosis.
2) There seems to be way too much whooping cough going around in children and way too little whooping ass.
C) If you’re having an affair and you’re the mistress and she or he says to you….well anything… Just remember that he or she’s lying to her husband, God, her kids, probably herself and pretty much everyone that means anything to her/him at all, but yea I’m sure you’re not being lied to also.
4) Apparently you can’t become a member of the Mile High club by yourself
5) Women don’t actually want to change men, they just want to reserve the right to use that excuse later if they do something shitty or you find your balls again.
F) If you’re getting married for the 4th time, maybe it’s you.
7) Speaking of marriage, just stop it. Seriously. Fellas, If you’re in a big rush to give away half your shit just give me a call, we can knock it out in a weekend and I’ll bring beer.
Ladies, if you’re in a big rush to dress up, piss your dad off, have crazy sex in Mexico and then spend the rest of your life despising someone just give me a call. We can knock it out in a weekend and I’ll bring beer.
8) Virgins don’t drive V8’s
H) It’s disgusting what people will eat if it’s deep fried. It’s like white trash catnip. They should start deep frying birth control
X) If some people knew how easy it was to hack a cellphone or pull a trigger, they’d be a lot less lecherous
11) Sadly, the point where older women are just old women is rapidly approaching.
12) It’s a helluva lot easier to find your way out than it is to find your way back
13) Karma Police by Radiohead is one of the greatest songs ever written. I always forget that.
14) When your phone rings at 2am it’s always very very good or very very bad.
15) I think the worst thing I’ve ever been called is an “emotional terrorist”. For realsies. By more than one person.
16) Like George W. Bush I don’t negotiate with hostage takers. Gals, you should know that going in. Pussy hoarding doesn’t work on me, I’ll rub one out in a second and go back to watching Ray Donovan. Take the fuckin trash out yourself.
17) Here’s everything I know about women: They don’t get over shit
That’s it, that’s all I know.
18) The world is full of bastards, the number of which increases rapidly the farther I get from the middle of nowhere.
XXIV) I almost never talk to the devil when he whispers my name
R) I’m too smart for my own good and probably too smart for your own good as well.
74) Always tip your barber and your tattoo artist.
75) If you’re old enough for Viagra, you’re too old for Twitter.
Z) The perpetual 5 o’clock shadow is still in the top 3 telltale signs of a career douche bag.
I lost count…) I’m old enough that I should know better, but still young enough to keep my dick hard and my powder dry. And I’m still a pretty spiteful sunnuvabitch.
Until next year boys and girls. I’ll see you in the funny pages